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Perhaps I go about this the wrong way. All I know is I am drowning in my own emptiness inside of me. The void keeps getting bigger. I dive into distractions coz I cannot bear the pain of reality. I keep seeing you in every dream, begging you to stay.  The first time you appeared in my dream after your passing, you smiled at me - the very smile I'de do anything to keep. I told you that you died, you left me. You told me how silly I was to think you'de do that to me. You said you promised to stay and you weren't one to not keep your word. I woke up to find you were still gone. I wanted to fall back asleep to let you know I did not hold it against you that you had to leave me, I want to assure you that I love you nevertheless, nothing you do could ever make me love you any lesser. Even if your absense cause my entire being to shatter into pieces of nothingness.  In every dream, I would initially try to distract you from the fact that you died and if that fails, I go on to pers...
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Now you paint me as the villain, the emotionally unavailable, demanding and entitled controlling woman.  You apologised. You thought I looked like an angel, so charming inside and out. You wanted to be the one to get the girl that was so unavailable for every other men. You loved the chase. But loving me was harder than you initially anticipated.You promised me a lifeline for a lifetime, said there never was any other girl and never will. I fell for that tempting false sense of security. Security - the very comfort, steadiness, assurance I chase...  You decided to use them all against me. you gave me all, then took it all away. You don't want to be the bad guy so you shift blame... told me I took too long to trust that you gave up, I was letting my guard up for too long, then I was too attached, too emotional dependent on you, had no life outside of being with you, you were tired of being my backbone, the only person I get close to. I was exhausting to you.  You didn't wa...
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Irreconcilable Love

Never been one to have wondering eyes. Been too focused on navigating life and building myself up that I forget to derive pleasure off casual flirty interactions.  No, I do not deny the attractiveness of the beautiful people around me. They sure are a pleasure to the eye. But like the saying "out of sight, out of mind"  I tend to appreciate them as part of God's creation. I acknowledge their beauty but swiftly return my attention to the self-centered trajectory of my own ambitions and the life I aim to achieve. Been so emotionally closed off while aching for a shoulder to lean on, someone to deeply connect to. Then there you were, showering me with promises, security that you won't do me wrong as I slowly let my guard down giving you the trust I haven't had the ability to instill on anyone else. I am not denying your claim that you did treated me well... atleast on the initial stages when you were overwhelmed by your infatuations. You worshipped me, treated me in ...
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The audacity of me to seek a shoulder. How dare I crave comfort?

 In moments like these, I find myself yearning for a life that is less burdensome, despite counting my blessings. Witnessing people my age, my peers, shedding tears over romances, and infatuations, stirs an ache within me when I'm mentally and emotionally restricted from enjoying something as seemingly trivial as those experiences. There's no one to blame, for those around me shower me with love, adoration, and an unwavering desire for my happiness. They earnestly wish for me to avoid sacrificing my life, my future, and my aspirations for their sake. Yet, why am I faced with the agonizing choice between them and my future career?  Is it not possible for me to have both?  Can I not simply be another student unencumbered by anything other than the concerns of romance and academic obligations? Maybe I want to have my heart broken over boys and post about it on social media. Perhaps I desire to indulge in self-absorbed thirst traps and carefree selfies, devoid of any sense of...
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The last time we spoke, I told you that I was tired of the toxic cycle I was stuck with you, told you that you were a mistake I regret, blamed you for the fights that I've had with my then partner. I called you names and said things I did not mean, but the part that got you the most was calling you a "mistake". You always doubted yourself as to why things could never work between us, you like to put the blame on the differences in our culture until I met someone else who makes it work with me despite it all.  You told me never to run to you again when I go through another fight with him, begged me to block you so you can never reach out to me even on your weakest day. Then my egoistic self let you down yet another time and tell you that my I'de be much obliged to have you cut out off my life completely.  Took you 3 months before you make fake accounts to follow the things I have been up to, to message me reminiscing the days we get high on adrenaline rush from the sho...
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a thank you

In addition to receiving an overwhelming amount of prayers, love and support from friends, relatives, neighbours, church and kind strangers I met in the hospital and ICU waiting room the past few months... I have also been bombarded with questions as to why I did not inform anyone regarding the unfortunate events we've been going through and how they could've helped... to which I am truly grateful knowing how everyone is so ready to lend us helping hands, and I believe I owe you an apology... I do not cope very well under the stressful events we went through during these recent circumstances and my emotional and mental unstability led to me not being very responsive. Anytime anyone show the slightest concern and asked how I am doing, my voice starts to break trying to explain and I find myself sobbing before I even get to explain how it all went wrong. So I may have cut short every concerned person with "we're fine" while trying my hardest to hold myself together ...
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The end

I am too scared to admit that the thought of ending it all have crossed my mind and ending it seems so much easier than to push through. I am scared to say it out loud coz then some of you might try and get me help, but what can therapy really do?  Tell me that I am not the only one who go through shits? yeah, no shit... I am quite aware of that. Perhaps I am too weak unlike any of you who survive despite the hardships the world throws at you. Don't you try and be the hero on this.  Tf can they really do? Get me Anti-depressants? Drugging me isn't gonna solve the actual problem would it?  The temporary high might cloud my mind from reality but when I get back my sense of clarity, it's still going to be there.  The endless darkness ahead. I don't want help, not the kind you think I need. I don't want to talk about it, I don't even have the energy to fight, just let me be... in silence...Let me be - to drown myself until I am consumed and finished by it.
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