Skip to main content

The audacity of me to seek a shoulder. How dare I crave comfort?

 In moments like these, I find myself yearning for a life that is less burdensome, despite counting my blessings. Witnessing people my age, my peers, shedding tears over romances, and infatuations, stirs an ache within me when I'm mentally and emotionally restricted from enjoying something as seemingly trivial as those experiences. There's no one to blame, for those around me shower me with love, adoration, and an unwavering desire for my happiness. They earnestly wish for me to avoid sacrificing my life, my future, and my aspirations for their sake.

Yet, why am I faced with the agonizing choice between them and my future career? 

Is it not possible for me to have both? 

Can I not simply be another student unencumbered by anything other than the concerns of romance and academic obligations?


Maybe I want to have my heart broken over boys and post about it on social media. Perhaps I desire to indulge in self-absorbed thirst traps and carefree selfies, devoid of any sense of guilt. Maybe I even crave to be that studious nerd fixated on my academic achievements, the one in constant comparison with her peers.


Yet, I am none of those things. Instead I exist as a perpetually sleep-deprived, emotional baggage individual overwhelmed by her suffocating burdens. 

Exhausted, but when I do manage to doze off, I am constantly woken up by irrational fears and unexplained bouts of sweating, which others term as ‘panic attacks’. To me, it has become an unwelcome part of my nightly routine. 

Now I find myself breaking into sobs everytime I feel safe enough to not be discovered, and I hide behind unhumorous goofy jokes just so others cannot see the turmoil brewing within or have a guess on how emotionally fragile I feel right now. 


In the depths of my despair, I reach out to the heavens- my prayers an earnest plea desperately begging a higher power to alleviate the burdens unbearably crushing me. For the weight is leaving me utterly depleted.


Is it too much to hope for someone?  A shoulder I can rest this heavy load? 

Can I find comfort in a compassionate embrace of someone with whom I can freely shed tears?

Or is it too audacious to try and find sanctuary from the weight in my chest that crushes me?

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Irreconcilable Love

Never been one to have wondering eyes. Been too focused on navigating life and building myself up that I forget to derive pleasure off casual flirty interactions.  No, I do not deny the attractiveness of the beautiful people around me. They sure are a pleasure to the eye. But like the saying "out of sight, out of mind"  I tend to appreciate them as part of God's creation. I acknowledge their beauty but swiftly return my attention to the self-centered trajectory of my own ambitions and the life I aim to achieve. Been so emotionally closed off while aching for a shoulder to lean on, someone to deeply connect to. Then there you were, showering me with promises, security that you won't do me wrong as I slowly let my guard down giving you the trust I haven't had the ability to instill on anyone else. I am not denying your claim that you did treated me well... atleast on the initial stages when you were overwhelmed by your infatuations. You worshipped me, treated me in ...

the inbetweeners

I stumbled upon an ad that caught my eye today, it wasn't the skincare product that made me stop and stare but rather the model advertising the product. I wondered for a second why this pretty woman looks so familiar until I realised it's the woman you've been seeing the past years since the last time we spoke.  The thought of you hardly crossed my mind anymore, like I am sure I barely ever cross your mind. But today I looked back down the memory lane of us and I tried to pin point exactly where we grew apart. Was it the last time I flew by that city, made you wait for 2 hours in the dinner reservation you booked and I left the bouquet of flowers you brought in my hotel to die? or was it that time you sent my mom bouquet but I switched off my phone when you called and the delivery had to leave it outside just for it to be stolen? or was it that time you sent a note with chocolate and flowers in college and I had my ex pick it up for me? or was it that time I drunk text you ...
Now you paint me as the villain, the emotionally unavailable, demanding and entitled controlling woman.  You apologised. You thought I looked like an angel, so charming inside and out. You wanted to be the one to get the girl that was so unavailable for every other men. You loved the chase. But loving me was harder than you initially anticipated.You promised me a lifeline for a lifetime, said there never was any other girl and never will. I fell for that tempting false sense of security. Security - the very comfort, steadiness, assurance I chase...  You decided to use them all against me. you gave me all, then took it all away. You don't want to be the bad guy so you shift blame... told me I took too long to trust that you gave up, I was letting my guard up for too long, then I was too attached, too emotional dependent on you, had no life outside of being with you, you were tired of being my backbone, the only person I get close to. I was exhausting to you.  You didn't wa...