Skip to main content

The audacity of me to seek a shoulder. How dare I crave comfort?

 In moments like these, I find myself yearning for a life that is less burdensome, despite counting my blessings. Witnessing people my age, my peers, shedding tears over romances, and infatuations, stirs an ache within me when I'm mentally and emotionally restricted from enjoying something as seemingly trivial as those experiences. There's no one to blame, for those around me shower me with love, adoration, and an unwavering desire for my happiness. They earnestly wish for me to avoid sacrificing my life, my future, and my aspirations for their sake.

Yet, why am I faced with the agonizing choice between them and my future career? 

Is it not possible for me to have both? 

Can I not simply be another student unencumbered by anything other than the concerns of romance and academic obligations?


Maybe I want to have my heart broken over boys and post about it on social media. Perhaps I desire to indulge in self-absorbed thirst traps and carefree selfies, devoid of any sense of guilt. Maybe I even crave to be that studious nerd fixated on my academic achievements, the one in constant comparison with her peers.


Yet, I am none of those things. Instead I exist as a perpetually sleep-deprived, emotional baggage individual overwhelmed by her suffocating burdens. 

Exhausted, but when I do manage to doze off, I am constantly woken up by irrational fears and unexplained bouts of sweating, which others term as ‘panic attacks’. To me, it has become an unwelcome part of my nightly routine. 

Now I find myself breaking into sobs everytime I feel safe enough to not be discovered, and I hide behind unhumorous goofy jokes just so others cannot see the turmoil brewing within or have a guess on how emotionally fragile I feel right now. 


In the depths of my despair, I reach out to the heavens- my prayers an earnest plea desperately begging a higher power to alleviate the burdens unbearably crushing me. For the weight is leaving me utterly depleted.


Is it too much to hope for someone?  A shoulder I can rest this heavy load? 

Can I find comfort in a compassionate embrace of someone with whom I can freely shed tears?

Or is it too audacious to try and find sanctuary from the weight in my chest that crushes me?

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Down is a lot easier than up

I recently come across a person who told me that he's trying to rate me and figure out who is prettier, me or another girl after their failed attempt to guilt trip me to make time and spend time with them. I firmly let him know that I was not in a competition with any other women or men, especially in terms of how physically attractive I look, that I highly dislike his comment and as I said those with raging voice that I try to hide, I mentally question why I even let myself get acquainted with people with such an unhealthy mindset, how I've always had a circle with very similar perspective as I do and for a moment, I quite consider myself Mother Teresa for having the patience to talk to this person without losing my sanity.  But I believe my words went straight over his head as he had zero idea what he said wrong, he genuinely had no idea how unhealthy that kind of mindset is or how unacceptable it is, which I believe is mostly because he have been surrounded by people who con...
Post a Comment
Read more

BEAUTY

Do you derive pleasure in telling people they look ugly/disgusting because they do not fit the criteria of what you perceive to be beautiful??? Are you aware of the consequences of your actions? Or how your "jokes" can have impact on not just the person but everyone around you who hear it?  I have been on the receiving end, where I had to pretend like what they said do not have any impact on me, but it does.  After all, we are just social animals who seeks acceptance and validation.  I do not put the blame on you if your perception of  "beautiful" is so manipulated by our society that you just cannot look past it.  But if the factors that contribute to this standard of beauty was slightly changed, YOU yourself could be awfully ugly and disgusting that looking at you alone could be unpleasant. I am not here trying to teach you to be kind when I am not so kind myself, but your lack of empathy and demeaning jokes is such a shame.
Post a Comment
Read more

An infatuation that will pass

Telling you that I am reminded of your cat just to avoid admitting that I think of you  (to be deleted before the person actually see this) The thought of you haven't crossed my mind in quite sometime now until today, I came across a song which reminded me of your cat, then my thoughts start to wonder off to how you used to make me feel. I wonder how you have been, it's been a while isn't it? I heard you met someone, i heard she's a sweet grad school student- an ivy league undergrad, just like you. Seems you two have a lot in common. I heard she loves cats, just like you and that you took her to cat cafe for your 2nd date, that sounds puurrrfect. I heard you're starting to love New York since she happened. I can't help but wonder how she must be, and by the end of the day I find myself looking up all your friend's profile hoping to see if your dates with her have been going well. So there I was, looking at pictures of you in tuxedo with your arms around a gi...
1 comment
Read more