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The audacity of me to seek a shoulder. How dare I crave comfort?

 In moments like these, I find myself yearning for a life that is less burdensome, despite counting my blessings. Witnessing people my age, my peers, shedding tears over romances, and infatuations, stirs an ache within me when I'm mentally and emotionally restricted from enjoying something as seemingly trivial as those experiences. There's no one to blame, for those around me shower me with love, adoration, and an unwavering desire for my happiness. They earnestly wish for me to avoid sacrificing my life, my future, and my aspirations for their sake.

Yet, why am I faced with the agonizing choice between them and my future career? 

Is it not possible for me to have both? 

Can I not simply be another student unencumbered by anything other than the concerns of romance and academic obligations?


Maybe I want to have my heart broken over boys and post about it on social media. Perhaps I desire to indulge in self-absorbed thirst traps and carefree selfies, devoid of any sense of guilt. Maybe I even crave to be that studious nerd fixated on my academic achievements, the one in constant comparison with her peers.


Yet, I am none of those things. Instead I exist as a perpetually sleep-deprived, emotional baggage individual overwhelmed by her suffocating burdens. 

Exhausted, but when I do manage to doze off, I am constantly woken up by irrational fears and unexplained bouts of sweating, which others term as ‘panic attacks’. To me, it has become an unwelcome part of my nightly routine. 

Now I find myself breaking into sobs everytime I feel safe enough to not be discovered, and I hide behind unhumorous goofy jokes just so others cannot see the turmoil brewing within or have a guess on how emotionally fragile I feel right now. 


In the depths of my despair, I reach out to the heavens- my prayers an earnest plea desperately begging a higher power to alleviate the burdens unbearably crushing me. For the weight is leaving me utterly depleted.


Is it too much to hope for someone?  A shoulder I can rest this heavy load? 

Can I find comfort in a compassionate embrace of someone with whom I can freely shed tears?

Or is it too audacious to try and find sanctuary from the weight in my chest that crushes me?

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