Irreconcilable Love

Never been one to have wondering eyes. Been too focused on navigating life and building myself up that I forget to derive pleasure off casual flirty interactions. No, I do not deny the attractiveness of the beautiful people around me. They sure are a pleasure to the eye. But like the saying "out of sight, out of mind" I tend to appreciate them as part of God's creation. I acknowledge their beauty but swiftly return my attention to the self-centered trajectory of my own ambitions and the life I aim to achieve.
Been so emotionally closed off while aching for a shoulder to lean on, someone to deeply connect to.
Then there you were, showering me with promises, security that you won't do me wrong as I slowly let my guard down giving you the trust I haven't had the ability to instill on anyone else.

I am not denying your claim that you did treated me well... atleast on the initial stages when you were overwhelmed by your infatuations. You worshipped me, treated me in a way to make me believe you were genuine and not just a boy filled with a fleeting infatuation. 
But when my mind was racing with each tick of a second hurting every vein within me, when lying in bed feels more like I am sinking into a dark hole, when it feels like I am drowning while I can still feel myself breathing in and out... I needed you, your shoulder, your comfort and assurances but you left me saying you can't handle such an emotional wreck... 

But what am I supposed to do when I have grown on you? 
How do I take back the trust I have slowly instilled?
I lied on the floor grasping for air to breathe coz I could no longer bear the sensation that I am deprived of air while I am still breathing. I called you crying coz the sound of your voice soothes me... You answered, "I can't talk. Goodnight." as you texted another girl, "I am still up for the night. We can talk if you want to." 

She responded on how romantic of guy you are, you blamed it on your late night talks. 

I shouldn't scroll up to see what more you have sent to her, my entire body trembled  and I can feel my heart urging to jump out of my chest. She called you "Love" to which you told her not to get too flirty for the time being while she still have a boyfriend then added on how you would get more flirty with her some other time when after she broke up with her boyfriend. 
 

Was I the only idiot who could not see? 
When they ask, "How come a guy like that gets a girl like her?". I complained on how shallow they all sounded. I never value physical appearances, the money, the status, the popularity. I like them humble, kind, loving, the ones that treats me well, you really had me fooled to make me believe I hit the jackpot with you. 

You said I was the best thing that ever happened to you, the most beautiful and you made me feel like one. Then why do you tell the other girl she's the most beautiful woman you have ever seen?

Are you more attracted to her when compared to me?

Did I cross your mind when you sent her that? 

Was it me you lied to or was it her instead?

Why does that make me compare every aspect of my body with hers?

Upon confrontation, you first denied it all. Then when the evidence became too blatant, you argued. You became inconsistent. Firstly disavowing your emotional infidelities, then try to justify them. It's all too clear you lack the strength to control your taste for other women.

I am trying to understand how it come to this? I've always find men like you to be distasteful.

Have you always been this disgusting? 

Was I blind to not see it?

I am losing myself trying to navigate where it all went wrong.
You said I was too difficult to handle while the other girls weren't.
You told me you don't mind if you lose me but you are unwilling to cut off these other girls you have been indecent with. 

I can't seem to shake off the feeling of betrayal. I reach out to you hoping for a closure, perhaps you do care enough to provide assuage for my inner tormoil, something to ease my sufferings. Maybe you'll acknowledge all the wrongs you did, maybe you'll apologise for it and beg me to stay, maybe you'll make a gesture to reassure me that your advances with those girls don't mean anything, maybe you'll try and prove how I am the one that mattered. 

Instead I get, "I apologise already. If you are here to blame me for the same thing, I don't want to talk to you"

I had to ask if you were fine to just leave me as it is. 

You said you have been clear enough that you do not mind me leaving or staying. You went on to remind me that you shall not cut off any of those girls whether I like it or not. That you chose to pursue your wants over protecting how I feel.

Yet, I just want to stay.