thecoffeelover

I am too scared to admit that the thought of ending it all have crossed my mind and ending it seems so much easier than to push through. I am scared to say it out loud coz then some of you might try and get me help, but what can therapy really do?  Tell me that I am not the only one who go through shits? yeah, no shit... I am quite aware of that. Perhaps I am too weak unlike any of you who survive despite the hardships the world throws at you. Don't you try and be the hero on this.  Tf can they really do? Get me Anti-depressants? Drugging me isn't gonna solve the actual problem would it?  The temporary high might cloud my mind from reality but when I get back my sense of clarity, it's still going to be there.  The endless darkness ahead. I don't want help, not the kind you think I need. I don't want to talk about it, I don't even have the energy to fight, just let me be... in silence...Let me be - to drown myself until I am consumed and finished by it.

I stumbled upon an ad that caught my eye today, it wasn't the skincare product that made me stop and stare but rather the model advertising the product. I wondered for a second why this pretty woman looks so familiar until I realised it's the woman you've been seeing the past years since the last time we spoke.  The thought of you hardly crossed my mind anymore, like I am sure I barely ever cross your mind. But today I looked back down the memory lane of us and I tried to pin point exactly where we grew apart. Was it the last time I flew by that city, made you wait for 2 hours in the dinner reservation you booked and I left the bouquet of flowers you brought in my hotel to die? or was it that time you sent my mom bouquet but I switched off my phone when you called and the delivery had to leave it outside just for it to be stolen? or was it that time you sent a note with chocolate and flowers in college and I had my ex pick it up for me? or was it that time I drunk text you ...

A gift from the author, Pu H.Rammawi himself... Truly appreciate it! ✨   He is an ex-Minister and ex-MLA of the state and currently the Vice Chairman of the State Planning board... Despite the generational gap, my conversations and discussions with him regarding certain topics involving work done for the tribal communities and marginalised groups were always enthrilling, informative and insightful. I've never come across anyone quite like him who is so very motivated to work for the betterment of the people, down to earth despite being a person in power for decades, well-informed, acknowledgable and although he have been working for the same cause I advocate for decades before I was even born, he still patiently listen to my ideas, suggestions and always enthusiastically guide me through it all!  I sincerely hope you enjoy this book and his insightful knowledge as much as I do!

The aspect of my work I most dreaded was encountering incalculable human suffering without being able to do anything about it. Waves of guilt often wash over me. What is the purpose of anything I am doing?  Merciless people continued to devour the weak despite every supposed advancement in human rights. Even worse, so many of the people who are supposed to be helping these individuals are taking advantage of them as well. Money was raised by NGOs and careers were built by those who claimed to be doing something to help, but so often they are really only helping themselves.  Certain percentage of the donations would end up in their own pocket, even when the money reach the individuals in need, priority was given in publicizing the good deeds rather than ensuring the required help is successfully fulfilled.  It seems to me that most people work on this as their 9 to 5 job to pay their own bills, or as a campaign strategy to win votes for the next ele...

Sometimes I sit on the sidewalk watching as common citizens make their way from work to play by walking around piles of bricks/woods/cements with the same nonchalance as they circumnavigated child laborers and sleeping peasants, as if they are all equally annoying obstacles in the road. I am not suggesting that everyone is oblivious to the labor exploitation that is happening front and center all around them; on the contrary, many everyday citizens and NGOs decried these abuses. However, in general, there is a systemic acceptance that these bonded and child laborers could be worked to the bone in order to finish their work/constructions/projects.  That is the way things work in India.  The exploitation is a part of a system that had function in much the same way for centuries, and there isn't any overwhelming social movements that succeeded in altering the system.

so I heard he bought a house in the city I do not want to live in. The house he's been wanting to buy for the past years, the one I've been delaying since I do not want to spend the rest of my life in that city.  The  place where he tried convincing me to go to Grad school, the place where he'de research on how I can get licence and work there.  I wonder who's gonna the lucky girl who'll get to be under the same roof as he is. I bet she doesn't leave wet towels on the floor which he always complained I did. I bet she doesn't leave dirty laundry around the house after he's already done doing laundry for the day.  She's probably so perfect that her feet are always warm and she doesn't even have  to shove it under his shirt to have it warm it up. Heck! She's probably so amazing that she doesn't even demand attention while he's working or playing fortnite with Matt... She might even be older, more mature, confident, so smart a...

Do you derive pleasure in telling people they look ugly/disgusting because they do not fit the criteria of what you perceive to be beautiful??? Are you aware of the consequences of your actions? Or how your "jokes" can have impact on not just the person but everyone around you who hear it?  I have been on the receiving end, where I had to pretend like what they said do not have any impact on me, but it does.  After all, we are just social animals who seeks acceptance and validation.  I do not put the blame on you if your perception of  "beautiful" is so manipulated by our society that you just cannot look past it.  But if the factors that contribute to this standard of beauty was slightly changed, YOU yourself could be awfully ugly and disgusting that looking at you alone could be unpleasant. I am not here trying to teach you to be kind when I am not so kind myself, but your lack of empathy and demeaning jokes is such a shame.