Irreconcilable Love

Perhaps I go about this the wrong way.

All I know is I am drowning in my own emptiness inside of me. The void keeps getting bigger.

I dive into distractions coz I cannot bear the pain of reality.

I keep seeing you in every dream, begging you to stay. 

The first time you appeared in my dream after your passing, you smiled at me - the very smile I'de do anything to keep. I told you that you died, you left me. You told me how silly I was to think you'de do that to me. You said you promised to stay and you weren't one to not keep your word. I woke up to find you were still gone. I wanted to fall back asleep to let you know I did not hold it against you that you had to leave me, I want to assure you that I love you nevertheless, nothing you do could ever make me love you any lesser. Even if your absense cause my entire being to shatter into pieces of nothingness. 

In every dream, I would initially try to distract you from the fact that you died and if that fails, I go on to persuade you to stay this time.

All I want is to hold you, to be physically with you. I crave for your presense, to hold your hand, to see your smile, to hear you laughter.

I'd do everything in my power to have you here with me. My entire being revolves around your well being. I don't know who I am, what I want, or the meaning of life without you.

You were the one I come home to, you keep me grounded. I find my purpose in you. 

Everything I do, I do it for your happiness.
I would give up my soul to save yours.

I begged God to heal you, to give you nothing but happiness, health and everything good in life. and if that is too much to ask, he can take everything I am and give it to you instead. I'de exchange my life, my youth, my health for you. I wanted to take all your pain away. 

You knew this all too well, You squeezed my hands with your weak, trembling fingers, the IV tube trailing gently from your wrist as you look up to smile at me with tears in your eyes and told me that you are healed. That I no longer have to beg God for an exchange. Then you went on to promise me that you'd never leave. 

You promised, Mom. But I don't blame you or hold it against you.  I could never blame you. I know you gave your best, you tried your best to stay. 

I need you, you know it. But the world doesn't let us have each other.